8.7.24 5:35PM

FIRST EVER DIARY ENTRY ON HERE WOOOO thats definitely something. i'd abandoned every diary-adjacent paraphernalia maybe 7 or 8 years earlier so this is also extremely refreshing and weirdly nostalgic for whatever reason? except the entire experience is profoundly improved upon by the sheer fact of it existing in a site slash object that i've crafted from the ground-up. i'm still in awe of this here nugget of the internet that i've molded to my preferences as someone who knew jackshit about html or css just a month earlier, on the 1st of july. incidentally, this was also the day i started my 2 week long summer course on gravitational wave astronomy @ ICTS except i've forever been a slacker at heart (i've always worked best when procrastinating on a different task) which meant full immersion into front-end development, or at least learning to make sense of html's head and body (pun intended)
i distinctly remember coming across a website that highly struck my fancy (not disclosing which :-P) and by then i'd had an underlying desire to "make a neocities" for the longest time after seeing it everywhere over my time on the internet, so i copied the entire site's code into a burner neocities account to try and make modifications to it, eventually building it up to a vision i was satisfied with. this was the best/gravest mistake of my life.
not going into too many details about my gruelling experience traversing the rocky terrains of html/css/a dash of javascript as a total (bumbling) beginner but i remember tinkering with the copied site code for maybe a week until i got frustrated over it not being in line with the aesthetic i'd envisioned, mainly because (keep this in mind if you're a beginner like me!) when you copy code from someplace else, unspooling the customization an element is put through takes 3x times more than what you'd take to just code it out on your own if you know what the fuck's happening. this was my no.1 takeaway from the 1-week familiarization stint. another thing that helped me quite a bit was stumbling across an unknown term or attribute in a code snippet of my liking and immediately looking it up on w3schools, reddit or several online forums which was spontaneous enough to keep me engaged while also adding an assortment of new weapons to my css arsenal, to the point my mind felt stuffy after prolonged ventures into diverse rabbitholes. but it is so so worth it, and so fulfilling! im glad i finally have an independent space on the internet i can customize to my heart's content. the month-long obsession has also forced a (initially unintentional) complete wipeout of my social media cravings although one of my closest friends called me up because she was concerned about my radio silence everywhere LOL (i asked her to sign my guestbook here but she's still a no-show..)
anyway, the only reason i'm able to code day and night with near-hourly updates to my site is because i'm currently a NEET (it's been a good 2 months out of college #iHaveaBachelorsDegreeNow) and awaiting college decisions for masters in berlin. if i do get in, it'd solve every, or most of, my problems at the moment because i need to get out of this country expeditiously, if i don't, well, i don't even want to actualize what'd happen by writing it out here! it's been 2 fucking months and they still haven't given me as much as an alert like GUYSSSSS im desperate :-( their decisions timeline concludes on the 31st of august though, so the neverending hope persists, and the click-clacking continues. the all-pervading anxiety and doubt because of the situation i'm in right now has resulted in really violent existential episodes at night and i've been voluntarily amplifying this shit by reading similar books and watching movies of the same ilk LMFAO i need to be stopped. regardless, i keep wondering why (re:this website or any creative pursuit) i even put so much effort into anything i do or into beautifying my situational environments (both online and offline) so fervently, because what use lies in preserving something that ultimately amounts to nothing? i tell myself it's to keep myself occupied for the extent of my life but my mind can filter out bullshit pretty easily, even if the spouter of them is me and i fear i'll mentally collapse if i don't read a whole lot of positive absurdist philosophy to counter this wave of destructive nihility i've been objected to lately. or receive a decision from the university i've applied to in berlin but we can't always have what we want. for now though, while i work on my perpetually deteriorating attention span, i'm going to keep chipping away at my website! if you've made it this far, here's a biscuit for you here's to many many years more of whining on this website of my creation! so excited to see everything else my aggravating brain has in store for both me and all of you ^__^

p.s tomorrow marks 1 month of this site's existence (confetti starts falling out of every conceivable nook of whatever conceptual space the reader of this entry is in)

8.21.24 8:46PM

evening! couldn't muster more of an enthusiastic energy because i just got rejected (excluded? it wasn't a rejection since my bachelors degree wasn't apparently enough for their rigorous coursework and they considered me unfit right off the bat for their masters program) from the college i was aiming at, but for whatever reason it hasn't affected me as much as i thought it would. this could just be my complacence in the face of misfortune that has built over the years but regardless, i feel... okay. the world didn't end when i fucked up my school leaving examinations 3 years earlier, the world didn't end when my inbox pinged 2 nights back, bearing news potent enough to shatter several plans and fantasies of a better future i had woven to keep myself alive over the past year or two. the world is rigged as it is, nothing's real! am i even here? is everything just a figment of somebody's extremely grotesque daydream? the beauty lies in the void of not knowing i suppose.
depressing drivel aside, i've actually come across an opportunity of a masters program that'd surpass the benefits of the german plan i'd made even, if it does in fact happen. i've discovered chile and its extremely astronomy-driven public universities!!! if things go right i'd not only be doing a course completely focused on observational astronomy but it'll help me work on a possible PHd thesis beforehand due to a faculty solely dedicated to astronomy! eventually my job prospects should also unfold in chile itself due to the extent of observatories in there. genuinely so hyped @ imagining my life there because i would've had to move to Santiago or to the US for a plethora of job openings in my desired field as it stands, and settling there so much earlier would ease things up a lot..also i'd finally get to learn spanish. and rizz up latinas. exciting. the results should be out by mid-Nov so i've got 2 more months of agonizing waiting Yet Again, although i'm planning on upping the skincare and exercise regimens coupled with spanish lessons and an absolute brush-up of my cosmology and quantum mechanics foundations since i'm already beginning to forget :P maybe get my red belt in taekwondo in the meanwhile as well, i've been stuck at blue for far too long. one thing's for sure though, no more moping around waiting for something to magically click, change starts whenever i want it to.

p.s i hate how i've got to go coding hunched over like a 90s hacker just to get a diary entry up?? i think i'm going to better my backend dev skills so i can formulate a web form interface of some kind that i can upload a diary entry to like a normal, say, blogging website, and have the javascript sort itself out automatically. this is kind of clunky but hey i'm just starting out ^__^

9.7.24

short dream because i woke up in an hour or so but it started with some kind of..muscular, old guy (looked like sebastian stan? or perhaps an amalgamation of several similarly aged old men i've come across in my 21 years of living) spanning the walls of a gym-ish room on all fours like spiderman. on entering the room, i happened to be extremely impressed at this feat and went so far as to ask him how he was doing this. he showed me a back/shoulder clench exercise to be done several times in a row for one set, 10 to 15 times (or perferably more) in order to up my back flexibility. pretty sure doing that alone doesn't give you spidey powers but i caught myself trying it out while showering anyway


9.8.24

extremely embarrassing thing to type out but today's dream was purely brainrot-centered. don't recall most of it but it involved hitting a skibidi toilet rendition in a cubicle that somehow spawned in the center of a busy street several times with lava-like laser beams, which is hard to believe given i had no weapons of any kind in the dream. i'm not even sure how it ended but i'm glad it did

drums - listened to stargaze shelter's optical
dance - standing next to you choreo
vocals - rachel chiu on ig
chinese - overthink from link click
vocals - lovely sewer, yves tumor
medicine - shiki
dance - notauraa on ig
music (creation, as a whole) - blood promise
vocals - celina fang on ig