8.7.24 5:35PM
FIRST EVER DIARY ENTRY ON HERE WOOOO thats definitely something. i'd abandoned every
diary-adjacent paraphernalia maybe 7 or 8 years earlier so this is also extremely refreshing and weirdly
nostalgic for whatever reason? except the entire experience is profoundly improved upon by the sheer
fact of it existing in a site slash object that i've crafted from the ground-up.
i'm still in awe of
this here nugget of the internet that i've molded to my preferences as someone who knew jackshit about
html or css
just a month earlier, on the 1st of july. incidentally, this was also the
day i started my 2 week long summer course on gravitational wave astronomy @ ICTS except i've forever
been a slacker at heart (i've always worked best when procrastinating on a different task) which meant
full immersion into front-end development, or at least learning to make sense of html's head and body
(pun intended)
i distinctly remember coming across a website that highly struck my fancy (not disclosing which :-P) and
by then i'd had an underlying desire to "make a neocities" for the longest time after seeing it
everywhere over my time on the internet, so i copied the entire site's code into a burner neocities
account to try and make modifications to it, eventually building it up to a vision i was satisfied with.
this was the
best/gravest mistake of my life.
not going into too many details about my gruelling experience traversing the rocky terrains of
html/css/a dash of javascript as a
total (bumbling) beginner but i remember tinkering
with the copied site code for maybe a week until i got frustrated over it not being in line with the
aesthetic i'd envisioned, mainly because (
keep this in mind if you're a beginner like me!) when you copy code from someplace else, unspooling the customization an element is put through takes
3x times more than what you'd take to just code it out on your own if you know what the fuck's
happening. this was my no.1 takeaway from the 1-week familiarization stint. another thing that helped me
quite a bit was stumbling across an unknown term or attribute in a code snippet of my liking and
immediately looking it up on w3schools, reddit or several online forums which was spontaneous enough to
keep me engaged while also adding an assortment of new weapons to my css arsenal, to the point my mind
felt stuffy after prolonged ventures into diverse rabbitholes. but it is so so worth it, and so
fulfilling! im glad i finally have an independent space on the internet i can customize
to my heart's content. the month-long obsession has also forced a (initially unintentional) complete
wipeout of my social media cravings although one of my closest friends called me up
because she was concerned about my radio silence everywhere LOL (i asked her to sign my guestbook here
but she's still a no-show..)
anyway, the only reason i'm able to code day and night with near-hourly updates to my site is because
i'm currently a NEET (it's been a good 2 months out of college #iHaveaBachelorsDegreeNow) and awaiting
college decisions for
masters in berlin. if i do get in, it'd solve every, or most of,
my problems at the moment because i need to get out of this country expeditiously, if i don't, well, i
don't even want to actualize what'd happen by writing it out here! it's been
2 fucking months and they still haven't given me as much as an alert like GUYSSSSS im
desparate :-( their decisions timeline concludes on the 31st of august though, so the neverending hope
persists, and the click-clacking continues. the all-pervading anxiety and doubt because of the situation
i'm in right now has resulted in really violent existential episodes at night and i've been voluntarily
amplifying this shit by reading similar books and watching movies of the same ilk LMFAO i need to be
stopped. regardless, i keep wondering why (re:this website or any creative pursuit) i even put so much
effort into anything i do or into beautifying my situational environments (
both online and offline) so fervently, because what use lies in preserving something that ultimately amounts to nothing? i
tell myself it's to keep myself occupied for the extent of my life but my mind can filter out bullshit
pretty easily, even if the spouter of them is me and i fear i'll mentally collapse if i don't read a
whole lot of positive absurdist philosophy to counter this wave of destructive nihility i've been
objected to lately. or receive a decision from the university i've applied to in berlin but we can't
always have what we want. for now though, while i work on my perpetually deteriorating attention span,
i'm going to keep chipping away at my website! if you've made it this far,
here's a biscuit for you
here's to many many
years more of whining on this website of my creation! so excited to see everything else my aggravating
brain has in store for both me and all of you ^__^
p.s tomorrow marks 1 month of this site's existence (confetti starts falling out of
every conceivable nook of whatever conceptual space the reader of this entry is in)
PC-98
